I am a terrible person.

In 1994 I had a public access cable show called “Spew.”  The email address I used for the show was hosted by Saintmail.net, “The Internet Address of Christians." I favored Saintmail because they put a little religious tag at the bottom of every message.

Six months later CBS served me with a cease and desist order -- long story -- and Spew's short life ended on a high.  The email address languished for a few years until I became fixated on the career of a certain performer whose name I will disguise, for reasons known only to me.

Mr. Singer had recently released an album, and someone -- I won’t say it was Mr. S, but definitely a Friend of Mr. S. -- kept putting up fake reviews on the Amazon.com website giving his new album five stars.

I decided that I also should post fake reviews of his album on Amazon. 

To do this, I needed to create an online persona, and that online persona needed an email address.  So I decided to use my old spew@saintmail.net address.  To make the “spew” name seem plausible, my new online persona was christened Sarah Pew.  I found a picture to put up on her Amazon.com profile.  I then created a living, breathing persona for her that teemed with life.

I wanted to give Mr. S's album no stars, but to be true to Sarah, I felt I had to give it five stars.  (I wonder, though, what flint-hearted, soulless shrews voted Sarah’s review as ‘unhelpful,’ as 10 of 38 people apparently did?)

Anyway, in terms of Mr. S’s career, I became rather obsessed, and checked his page repeatedly to see what outlandish positive review this Friend of S. would come up with next.  Dozens of five-star reviews later, I became so annoyed that I decided Sarah should re-review his album:

12 of 23 people found the following review helpful: Title:  I still like it       July 22, 2000 Reviewer: Sarah Pew (see more about me) from Colorado I still like this CD but after a couple of months its not at the top of my playlist any more. I am a retired nurse who lives a lonely life in the mountains, and maybe thats just what happens. When I got this CD it was all I listened to, but now I sometimes listen to other things. I wish he was on MTV. Love Sarah

I bet that showed him! 

To give Sarah more realism and depth, I decided she should review a couple of other things, in case anyone clicked on “See More About Me.”

THE BEST OF JIM NABORS 2 of 2 people found the following review helpful: Title:  Heaven on Earth  March 16, 2000 This collection is a musthave for long-standing fans of Jim's beautiful voice. I once had the opportunity of seeing him LIVE at the local armory, and I will never forget the power of his beautiful singing, and neither will anyone else who was there. I give this album FIVE STARS!

Sarah also reviewed a self-published novel, "Valley of No Return," by a local author from my hometown who ran the local theater.

VALLEY OF NO RETURN 3 of 3 people found the following review helpful: Title: A Rollicking Adventure for the Hole Family                                                     October 10, 2000 I gave this book to my 10 year-old niece Anna Hole, and she adored it. She especially connected to Seneca, the Indian maiden. What a good book. Anna gave it to her mother and father, who loved it too, and then once I read it I was really filled with admiration. Id love to give it to someone in Hollywood, and just tell them to read the first chapter, and I bet theyd be hooked. We need more entertainment like this. I look forward to reading more books in the series. From Sarah.

(Incidental note: there was indeed a sequel to “Valley of No Return”, called “Return to the Valley.”)

Sarah’s last review was for a Japanese book called, “How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday, Malarkey? Or Effective Way?”, which my sister Kelly gave me for my birthday.

3 of 4 people found the following review helpful: Title:  This Book Helps         August 7, 2001 I am a retired nurse who lives a lonely life in the mountains. I used to practice western-style medicine, but am exploring other options now. I have terminal gout which causes a great deal of stress in my life. I used to have a cat who passed away recently so I don't have anyone to talk to now that she's dead, though I sometimes chat with her from time to time even so. I found this book to be difficult to read as it is translated from Japanese. That is why it lost a star in my review. However I found its advice to be very helpful. My muscles are becoming stronger every day and maybe I'm feeling better though when depressed it's hard to tell from day to day, it all seems like one cloudy day. From Sarah

And that was pretty much it for Sarah Pew’s online life.  I tried my saintmail.net address a few months back, and found that the site was being “reconfigured”, which I assumed was Internet-speak for “dead.”

Not so.  Sarah had taken on a life of her own.