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My Very Gay Tiles I recently went to one of the greatest flea markets of all time: the Elephant's Trunk in New Milford, Connecticut. I stayed in a hotel the night before so I could get there early. I arrived at 5:50 AM, and had a fantastic morning. Among other finds, I picked up a pair of perfect, sturdy Mission chairs that once belonged to a New Hampshire Masonic Lodge. There are small nameplates on the arms with dates ranging from 1911 to 1963. You can't beat built-in provenance. Later in the morning, a ceramic tile, six inches per side, grabbed my eye -- and shortly after, my wallet. You'll see why:
Now isn't he just the feyest thing ever? I imagine that he greeted the dawn, flung open his closet, and thought: "This is the PERFECT outfit to wear while I go sow some seeds in the garden. And with this cunning basket to accessorize, the girls will be BESIDE themselves with jealousy!" Thank God he has a moustache, because I might have assumed he was just a simple, small-breasted farmer's wife out doing the chores. With the moustache, he radiates fabulousness! Anyway, I did some research, and found that the tile is from London's prestigious Mintons Tile Company, and that he probably dates from the later 1800's. I began eBaying Mintons to find more gay ceramics, and found one that was tres gay but not so fey: It's downright HOT! Samson, you slay me! Bonus question: which of the two tiles is the bottom? Both tiles now reside on the livingroom table, where they make merry, dish on Steve and I while we sleep, and also keep drink rings away. Stay tuned for more gay tile finds from the Mintons company. Thanks, IMDB! I admit it: I IMDB'ed myself just now. Serves me right. (Put your cursor over the picture if you need some help finding the treat inside my Internet Movie Database profile!)
As if the decline in my "STARmeter" wasn't bad enough! Idea For the Day iChat is much more exciting if you keep wigs by your computer. (My friend's identity is protected because he's incredibly famous.)
Also, for those days when you can't look your best no matter what you do, I highly recommend the Carol Channing Ventriloquist Doll.
Now THAT'S Entertainment! The Academy Awards suck and unless there's a fun group of people gathered I never bother to watch. After the fiftieth cutaway to the grinning rictus of Jack Nicholson I swell with rage at the thought that the Academy Awards could be SO much better ... ... like they were in 1989! Here's a clip I've been dying to see for years:
Now isn't that infinitely better than the dry shit they have now? Yes, it's completely incomprehensible, as though they pinned every single idea they had to a bulletin board and said, "Hell, let's do 'em all!" But given the choice between sublime tackiness and unearned stateliness, who would choose the latter? I'm always shocked when I hear gay people complain about Debbie Allen's choreographed numbers over the years. I'm a firm believer that in anything there is no good or bad, there's only entertaining or not. If I lose attention at a play, a movie, a TV show, it's not my fault. The clip above -- and anything Debbie Allen's ever done on the Academy Awards -- entertain me to no end. I'm riveted. Bring back Debbie Allen! Bring back Snow White! Bring back variety!
I'm a sucker for firsthand accounts of gay life The Way it Used to Be. Here are a couple of terrific websites from folks Who Were There: "My name -- is Cassie Broadway." I have seen the following "French and Saunders" video perhaps a thousand times. I do believe it's my favorite five minutes of television, ever. For some reason, it was never put onto the "French and Saunders" compilation DVDs. I had the clip on an old videotape -- recorded in 1987 -- that was nearly worn out by the time I found this on YouTube. My little brother Brian and I discovered "French and Saunders" in the mid-80's, when it was played late-nights on the "Arts and Entertainment" network. They had a profound effect on my sense of humor.
Here are a few other favorites -- all of them involving ballet and especially Dawn French dancing.
FAVORITE WHITLESS.COM SEARCH TERMS I recently found that my web hosting provider stores the search terms that have led people to my website. Here are some of more mystifying search terms, ranked in order of their popularity: 8. i am cold 34. kittens 44. 'i am cold' (note: why MY website?) 140. people who write letters for anybody 142. www.bare little girls 164. bare feet of little girls 199. what does becoming a eunuch entail? 200. will my kitten die from fleas 221. she removes her prosthetic leg 320. buy fake muscle suit 331. cold i am (note: why? why?) 363. funny names for gay people 410. teenager force to get undress by doctor 460. kramer actor in trouble because of nigger 466. people who don`t believe in pope benedict are going to hell 571. jeff is a gay hole and loves jay 613. mrs.camel toe 617. if my heart hurts after cocaine means heart problem 663. sallie mae trash talk 667. terminal gout 685. my teenager wants to get his tongue pierced is this safe? 720. pussy makeup kit 727. `knee high socks` humiliating
AMAZING UPDATE!!
I couldn't figure out why "i am cold" was such a popular link to my website. I still can't figure it out, actually, but I Googled "i am cold" and got 14,200,000 hits -- and I am number one!!
Actually, Sarah Pew is. The link leads to her tragic blog which I started in 2004, and gave up shortly after, because I have no desire to blog about my own life and only a slightly greater desire to blog about a fictional person's.
Congratulations, Sarah!
NUDITY ALERT I just put a secret page on the website. It's cleverly hidden, involving nudity! FIND IT! GO TEAM 15 (again)! Here's proof I could never blog: Only a few posts below is a picture of Team 15, who was part of a huge Get Out the Vote operation in Ohio in 2004. Our candidate, John Kerry, lost. Now it's two years later! This is Team 15, slimmed down and with a new member (Steve), the night of the November 7, 2006 elections.
In the pic, we'd just finished canvassing Pennsylvania for three days on behalf of Democrat Lois Murphy. (Steve and I joked about canvassing for actress Lois Smith. We then kept knocking on doors and accidentally saying, "Hi, I'm a volunteer with Lois Smith for Congress.") None of us knew much about Lois Murphy, except that she was a Democrat in a tight race. She lost by a fraction of a point, as it turned out, but I'm glad we went. I hate knocking on people's doors and invading strangers' homes -- I'm much better with, say, markers, posterboard, and glitter -- but that's the life of an activist. I imagine it's more fun when you win -- not that it wasn't a fantastic Tuesday anyway. Hatin' On My Sin But Lovin' Me! I got a letter.
I got a lot of letters like this. This is the only one I really responded to. I'm not sure why.
This exchange got me to thinking. And I realized that I actually hold a tremendous respect for Fred Phelps. Yes, this Fred Phelps:
At least Fred and his other Phelpses are honest. This notion of "loving the sinner and hating the sin" is merely a disguise for people who lack the courage to express what lies in their hearts. Fred Phelps lifts the rock so we may see what actually exists in the hearts of so many "caring", "loving" people. Rock on, Fred Phelps!
Ode to Christian Haren Christian Haren had big brass balls. He was a former Marlboro model (and gay man) who was quite sick with AIDS, and in the late 1980’s began traveling to high schools to talk about it. I met him when he came to my high school in Coos Bay, Oregon. This was 1988, youngsters. There were no positive gay role models visible anywhere. And believe me, I was looking.
The next day, he went to speak at a high school in the neighboring town, and got “Faggot!” catcalls and was treated shamefully. I went to see him speak later at the community college. I asked him about the experience, and he shrugged it off. It happened all the time. But he said that he knew he was reaching somebody, even there. He had a profound influence on me as a young gay man. I didn’t come out of the closet for another couple of years, but he made it easier. He was my first gay role model. He was an angel and a warrior. He died in 1996 – so close to the antiretrovirals. I wish I could tell him what an influence he had on me. I Googled him, and he only has 224 Google hits. I couldn't even find his picture. Meanwhile, that vicious, shameful hag Ann Coulter has 6,190,000 hits. So I’m making Christian’s total 225. The world needs more Christian Harens. (NOTE: Frustrated that I couldn't find a picture of Christian, I scoured the web and discovered that he was in "Advocate Men" in March of 1985. The minx! So I ordered a copy, scanned one of his photos, and cropped it carefully. It's the pic above.)
I admit to being a bit of a video game freak. I believe they have the potential to become an incredible art form. I have yet to find a game that actually comes close to art, though I'm a huge fan of the "Hitman" and "Grand Theft Auto" series. And "Black and White" and the old "Myth" games were destructively immersive and nearly destroyed my writing career. "GTA", especially, has wonderful dialogue and voice performances (the "NPR" radio station in "GTA: Vice City" is an endless, hilariously written pledge drive). For those who played video games in the '90s, you know how terrible the writing and voice acting could be before "GTA" and others raised the bar. I actually played some of 1997's "Resident Evil: Director's Cut" and found those aspects so appalling I stopped playing. And now I've found a site that preserves the terrible -- I mean TERRIBLE - voice acting and appalling dialogue: Even if you don't give a rat's ass about gaming, these are still pretty funny. My favorite new blog is "Revolting Sofas", in which readers are invited to create a short story involving a hideous sofa depicted on the website. I had an immediate emotional response to a creamy-peach-colored beauty, and wrote a story.
Go Team 15! Here's a remarkable group of people (plus me and John Kerry -- one of us is fake, though) the morning of November 3rd, 2004, after canvassing Columbus, Ohio the entire day (and for some, days and days) before. Some of these folks gave up a huge chunk of their lives for The Cause. We were the legendary Team 15. No -- WE ARE TEAM 15! WE WILL BE BACK! That was a tough morning.
To our credit, our area -- primarily lower-income -- voted 54 percent Kerry to Bush's 46 percent. Bash it all you want, but half of Ohio really rocks. Fashion Tips for 2005 This is a screen capture from a recent article about my brother and myself that appeared in the Portland Tribune. Read carefully.
As my brother George noted in an email, "I think the mistake Celine made was in the choice of the leopard-print pencil skirt; it made our TV do that funny pixelating thing, and it was hard to concentrate on your speech."
The following pic has brought more traffic here, I swear to God:
UPDATE 3/15/2004
I went to a birthday party last night to which I wasn't quite invited. The guests weren't supposed to bring cameras. But -- well, I did, and I swear I didn't bring it out until the guest of honor left. I swear.
This is the lone picture I took:
Yes.
And that name ain't "Lisa" either. It's spelled with a "Z".
Let me state for the record: I am not Frederick's of Hollywood.
As I recently posted, I just got a new 800 number, which connects to my home phone. When the last two digits are reversed, people attempting to order from Frederick's of Hollywood instead reach, well, me!
I first became aware of this when a woman called, incredibly angry-sounding, and left a message saying "For once and for all, I want to be REMOVED FROM YOUR MAILING LIST." I'd just sent an innocuous group email about my latest play, and was a bit shocked at the intensity of her response. How could I know she was mortally offended at scanty models in satin bunny outfits and such? I've never done anything to hurt anyone, ever. Honest.
So for the last few weeks, I've been getting in touch with a side of America I never knew existed.
2:41 a.m.
(Obviously, at that hour, I was screening. A breathless woman's voice:) "Hi, this is Stephania Franklin. I’m calling because I would like to order the entire Spring 2004 catalog from front page to back page. I’d like to put it on my Visa Card. Hold on. (Rustling) That Visa Number is (gives Visa number). It expires (gives expiration date). Okay. Thank you. Bye. You can send it to (gives address). And I’d like that to be a double order – the same thing, front to back. The second order can be shipped to Box Holder (address). That’s for Ashton Kutcher and his wife’s home. Okay. G’Bye."
2:48 a.m. "Hi, sorry, I forgot one more thing. This is Stephania Gerber Baby and her husband is, um, is, uh, Vin Diesel Ashton Kutcher at Cedar Sinai. He needs some, um, more, um, money and acclamations and a new job, um, title, because he’s older now, so please give that to him per the preacher boy, the white preacher boy said so, he’s a good preacher boy still this year, so please give it to him, plus give him more insurance, better insurance. Thank you. And he will do the same for you. Okay. I’m calling back because my size is a size eight and a size ten. So make a double of the order for size eight and ten, so that’s like, quadruple, right? The shoes – that’s ten and a half. And for jewelry, I can slide my hand through the tiniest little bracelet, still. Okay. Thank you. G’Bye. "
Some friends had me to their beautiful country house. I sent them the following as a thank-you: INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY! Below is a picture of some land owned by three homosexuals I know.
With their blessing, I offer YOU the chance to invest in a wonderful opportunity, the dream of my short lifetime. Hello. My name is Jeff Whitty. In an attempt to brand myself as a purveyor of wholesome, family entertainment, I've been seeking areas where I can get the word out -- on me! And then, one weekend, I came across the empty, dull patch of land located above. Notice those trees blocking the landscape. Notice the sad lack of asphalt. And scroll on down to see a rendering of a dream come true -- and money in the bank for you if you invest now! ........ YES, THIS DREAM IS POSSIBLE.
(Run your cursor over the picture to see the "before" shot -- vive la difference!) In exchange for the sum of five thousand dollars, plus whatever they can make vending goodies at their own roadside stand, the landowners have agreed to develop this piece of sadly unused property -- a BARGAIN! Not having that kind of ready cash available, I'm selling shares at twenty dollars apiece, which will give you a piece of this delightful land of wonderment, a utopia that will surely become a draw for families across the Tri-State area. But this opportunity won't last forever -- invest your money NOW! Cash is fine. Preferred, actually. Email me here for mailing instructions. Contracts and such will follow by return mail. If it takes a few weeks, it's just because I'm very busy making this dream possible for the world. The world is a scary place. And my dream is to make it a more enchanting land for you, your family, and other people, and their families. DON'T DELAY! SEND MONEY NOW!
(This one is the splash page from mjjsource.com, Michael Jackson's website.)
Tuesday Feb 11, 2004 11:35 am
Imagine my surprise when I called Sallie Mae, my evil student loan provider, on their 800 number, and after a brief hold a sultry female voice said,
"Hey there, sexy guy! Welcome ... to Intimate Encounters. Lie back, relax, and get ready for TRIPLE-X ACTION! Just 99 cents per minute for voice personals and amateur talk, and only $2.99 per minute to talk LIVE, one on one, with a hot horny SLUT who'll do whatever you want and BEG for MORE!"
Who needs friends, really?
I was looking online wondering whether cute CNN Anchor Bill Hemmer is gay. During my research, I unearthed this rather amusing exchange from an interview transcript:
SEAN HANNITY, RADIO TALK SHOW HOST: Do you
support gay
marriage?
Ladies and Gentlemen, I've come across many a twisted website in my day. But this one I came across today, oh my. But first: a primer on Guinea Worms. It's a pretty gross topic, and before reading, I advise putting down that big bowl of pasta you've been twirling around on your fork.
Guinea Worm Disease People get infected with
Guinea worm disease by drinking water contaminated with Dracunculus
larvae. In the water, the larvae are swallowed by small copepods "water
fleas." The worms mature inside the water flea and become infective in
about 10 days. Once the worms have matured inside the water flea, any
person who swallows contaminated water becomes infected. Like something out of "Alien", no? This parasite has been successfully eradicated in many countries by the efforts of the U.N. and humanitarian organizations. It remains a problem in thirteen African countries, generally in very poor populations. Now, I'm generally sympathetic to the preservation of endangered species, but I was a bit shocked when I came across this site:
I must admit I admired the writer's angle. Underdogs across the world could not help but relate to the poor Guinea Worm -- those of us picked last in gym class, those who didn't get a date to the prom -- and just as we resent never appearing with a humorous voice in a Disney movie, we want to make damn sure this doesn't happen to the Guinea Worm -- deprived as it is of a voice box or any other means to sing wrenching Phil Collins ballads in animated form. Though in truth I consider myself an especially fine example of "charismatic megafauna", I found it quite offensive that these people wish to preserve a species that ONLY EXISTS IN THIRD-WORLD POPULATIONS without access to decent health care! How dare they! But then -- and this is where it gets twisted -- I clicked further in their site. Under the heading "The Challenge", they presented a long list of suggestions for saving the Guinea Worm, each more twisted than the next. Including:
And then ...
And there is really nothing more I can say. Now get back to your spaghetti. This advertisement appeared in The Advocate in early 2002. Consider it a treasure hunt of sorts: can YOU find the remarkably tasteless mistake (one assumes)?
Oooops! It took me a minute to notice that something's amiss. I think someone's getting fired. As a preview of an upcoming gardening article, here's a photo from the section on Eugenia Bushes. I have two Eugenia topiaries in my yard, which I hope will one day look as fetching as this one:
In my most recent trip to Las Vegas, I visited the Neon Boneyard, which stores abandoned casino signs, waiting to be refurbished for the upcoming Neon Museum space.
Rick, the curator, told a funny story about the high-heeled shoe below.
Toward the end of his increasingly paranoid life, Howard Hughes lived in the top two floors of the now-destroyed Desert Inn. The shoe was on a rotating sign advertising the casino across the street. As he watched the high-heeled shoe rotate in front of his window, Hughes became certain that it had a camera in it, designed to spy on him. So he bought the casino to make sure there was nobody filming him from the shoe. Here's a picture I found of my little brother Brian and myself, taken sometime last year.
Someone complained that I took down the page of Corey Haim selling his extracted tooth on eBay. Since changing servers, all of the links broke, and it's a pain in the ass to fix them all. But here are the best pics. And a lock of his hair was part of the package as well. Poor Corey. Here are two pics -- me on two consecutive nights. In the first pic, I'm backstage doing "Rosemary's Baby" with my favorite theater company, TWEED. I'm leaning on Frank DeCaro, the film reviewer from "The Daily Show," who played Hutch. The second picture was taken after a democratic fundraiser at the Apollo Theater, the night after my gig as Frank's hired hand. Bill seemed to have plenty of hired hands of his own, but was nice enough to allow this picture.
In 1963, Prentice-Hall published a textbook called BIOLOGY AND HUMAN PROGRESS. I think I found it at a flea market. Below are some scans on a chapter involving "Biology and Human Behavior." I didn't make this up.
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It was a different time. But Christian did not
get an overtly hostile reception at my high school. He was funny
and frank. When a student asked him where he contracted AIDS, he
joked, “I probably got it behind a bush somewhere” – the implication
being that he did not just FIND it behind a bush, but got the virus
through gay! sex! behind a bush. His forthrightness disarmed 1200
high school students from a small town. He said: "God doesn't make
trash." His message was that we should take care of ourselves,
and each other. Period.
It
was a bit startling, but refreshing compared to the stern matrons who usually
man the phones at my student loan provider. I then realized that I'd
dialed "1-800-2-SALLIE" instead of "1-888-2-SALLIE".
I
added a toll-free number to my Vonage phone line, and now I get very solemn
calls from people calling Fredericks of Hollywood to subscribe to their catalog.
It turns out they've been switching the final two digits of their 800 line.
So a couple of times a week I am called by dyslexic people desiring the best in
female lingerie.
