FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

As a 14-year resident of New York City, I can say with some gravity that this town has reached its tipping point.  The Big Apple is about to lose it for good. 

Lately I've witnessed manifold "final straws" signaling NYC's irreversible decline into malldom -- usually represented by the razing of friendly buildings of character, buildings I've known for years, to be hastily replaced by ghastly, bland condominiums.  Hell, lately I shed tears over razed parking lots and gas stations.

I've had three recent finallest straws:

• The Roxy nightclub is being knocked down in order to build, yes, condos.  I rarely went to the Roxy but I liked that it was there.  (Not to mention that the Limelight is becoming a mini-mall, and while we're at it, let's not forget the Holy Grail of club destruction: the ground-level razing of the Palladium in order to build NYU’s hideous dormitory, "Palladium Hall.")

• Witness the following headline in the New York Sun: "Preschool Directors Balk at Toddler Résumés."

• Heed an item on real estate blog Curbed about Manitoba's, a noisy rock bar in my new neighborhood: the East Village.  As the bar owner says on his blog: "Effective immediately, we have been forced to stop all live performances due to a neighbor couple that seems to have ignored the fact they purchased their apartment at an extremely low price because they live directly above a Rock N Roll bar that features live music."

People like these "neighbors," who want to raise their families in a friendly, magical city that’s half "Sex and the City" and half Mayberry – these people want an entirely different New York City than the one that currently exists, albeit in waning form.  And they're winning.

For those of us who want to live in a noisy, chaotic city where young people can afford to live and wave their freak flag about, where one can see the best of everything within a short subway ride, there's no place else to fucking GO.  I am spoiled.  I want to live in the center of the universe.  I love my New York City.  I don't want a city without pain.  Most of America strives to live without pain.  And New York City isn't most of America – at least for a couple more years.

So I've hatched a plan to rescue New York.  It's an ad campaign:

NYC IS OVR's target audience is people who obsess over trends - people  who follow fashion but have no style.  These are not artists and unconventional people, but rather those who aspire to be around said artists and unconventional people while simultaneously shushing them and not contributing a fucking thing to the cultural fabric of the place where they live and forcing them to move elsewhere because they drive rents so goddamn high.

But I must put my negativity aside.  Because NYC IS OVR is about optimism and positivity:

The point of NYC IS OVR is to convince these fashionable, style-free, wealthy people to move elsewhere – somewhere not TOO far, and somewhere that holds some actual appeal.  Boston's a nice city.  I originally thought of Philadelphia, but I have a specific affection for Philly and don't think its delicate fabric can withstand the influx of these wealthy oxen and their progeny.

Can I now mention how much I hate real estate magnate Barbara Corcoran?  If you thought I was overdoing it with my "artists and homosexuals" blurb, may I present an actual clip from her blog:

"The best property leads I’ve ever chased have come from gay waiters or would-be actors serving my meal at a fancy restaurant. I’ve made a habit of asking, “So, where do you live?” and have learned the names of neighborhoods and small enclaves where the space you get is big and the rent is still cheap. Much to my surprise, I’ve uncovered dozens of wanna-be neighborhoods yet to be discovered in and around New York City, something most city folk find hard to believe. I’ve found that actors, gays, and other open-minded types are comfortable being outsiders and consistently gravitate to neighborhoods that are both urban and open to the outsider. What they bring to their new locale is enthusiasm, a great sense of community, innate style and all their friends. They always seem to seek out areas where big space is available and the rents are cheap. They are for many investors the modern day version of wagon train pioneers. Big space, low rent, high demand and neighborhood commitment all add up to the birthing of a new up & coming area. And, as every investor knows, this is exactly the kind of investment that can make you a killing."

Translation: Ask a "gay waiter" about the place where they live so you can eventually price them out of the place where they live.  And note to Barbara: when you say you've "uncovered dozens of wanna-be neighborhoods yet to be discovered in and around New York City," these aren't "wanna-be" neighborhoods, Barb, they're fucking NEIGHBORHOODS that HAVE been discovered by the PEOPLE WHO LIVE THERE.  How despicable she is.  The article is worth reading in its chilling entirety, especially when she ends by saying, basically, "Once Starbucks comes into your shiny new neighborhood, it means your work is done and you should move on to the next gay waiter."  What a gravely unselfaware asshole is that Barbara Corcoran.

In closing, remember: tell everybody you know that NYC IS OVR.  It's just not hip anymore.  It's ALL about Boston, now.

I mean it.

Tell everyone.

Back to Whitless